I don't know who I am anymore. Of course I know something but...

My head feels like it's going to explode soon. I am seriously sick and tired of everything. I don't wanna be here, I just want to run away and go somewhere where people don't know me.

I feel fat, disgusting, worthless, bored.
I am tired of people I know or barely know. I am always reserved.
The darkness and becoming fall/winter is already anguishing me.

And the worst thing is that I don't know what to do. I don't.

I wanna feel I can, I want, I am something. I wanna be motivated. But I don't know what I want.

I feel like crying. Like there's a big black mess in my head.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
How can I change my life?

I got a job. It's very easy and it doesn't take much of my time, but I get paid well enough. I am personal assistant.

I hope I can save some money, so I can go back to Czech some day...

I would say my life is still a bit messy. I am not so sure am I doing the right thing now. Cause I feel I disappoint my parents and people again. Even that I know that school anguishes me.

I wanted to star yoga, but they were full already and I really don't have much money to pay one hundred for one month of yoga or something...

You need to go to that school. It's just three years, then you can do whatever you want. You need to go, or you'll not have any money or apartment. You need to go. School. Three years. Go go go. Now.

I am so sick and tired.

From autumn 2009 I'd tried to start some school and graduate from somewhere. Two vocational schools I've suspend. One paid school I failed. One preparing school. Always lots of absences. I've always just failed with schools. And I hate failing. I always just let everyone down. Betray everyone.

But I don't want to. I'm so sick and tired with schools. Always saying "of course I will", but always failing. I've already wasted three years. I just don't want to do this anymore. I wanna end this. I wanna stop going to school and really do something. But from Finland, it's almost impossible get any job. So what I could do then? I don't know! I really don't know.

I don't have motivation to go school. And I just can't force myself! I can't do what I don't wanna do. But I don't wanna fail. I just don't know what to do with this! If I just could do even one year something I really want, maybe I could find some passion and motivation to go school again. Maybe I could find something that really interests me!

I'm just lying to myself and others when I do this. I don't wanna do this anymore.

[ I´m... not kinda sure if it is really good idea to continue that school
it seems to be killing you every day
and I can feel it by myself
I sense the dropping of your mood every day since you started the school... ]

I am finally, officially Jamie Joshua.

It makes me kinda pleased in this situation. I started new school, though I've been sick for these three days. But I guess I'm going tomorrow.

But I miss M so much. I just want her here. She makes me so happy, you have no idea. I can be happy with her, she makes me feel complete... She's my soulmate. I feel so comfortable with her.

 

I really, really loved this city.

The architecture, colors, parks... I just fell in love with it. So relaxed, beautiful Brno. People weren't hurrying all the time. I just felt so nice there. Mostly because of M too. I just fell in love with her even more.

Now back in Finland everything is so cold and grey. There is just +12, in Brno there was still +25 when I left! I just really realized how short Finnish summer is. I just wanna go back. I feel so shiftless! I have no energy at all, everything feels so... boring.


I just wanna see the world... Be with M and experience something real.

4:58

Is that even possible, that after nineteen years lived by, you finally really understand something? At 5am in the morning, you finally realize something like you can change your life? After years of some kind of depression and anxiety? After you had watched hours of House M.D? Is that possible?

You take a mirror, tape and spray paint and you spray "I CAN" to that? Is that normal?

I have that black spay on my finger nails.

I feel more alive than in... ages. And I don't know why.

I think I shouldn't be this happy about some kind of a moment that I maybe might forgot in days. But I kinda am.

I have cold shivers on my skin.


I'm going to London day after tomorrow. And then to Czech Republic. Then Poland, maybe. 13' of August my school suppose to be starting.
I don't need to be that shy guy anymore. I don't need to think what people might think about me. Do I need people who doesn't like me? Or doesn't understand me at all?
I can go to the register office after my trip and change my name. Who cares? People maybe don't get me. At all. But everything settles on it's places someday, right?

I'm not going to be criminal, when I feel I can do "everything". Even that I thought should I go out and spray "Are you happy?" to someones car windshield.


I watched the Finnish morning sky. And... Everything. I saw everything very clearly. Somehow. I know I sound crazy...

But isn't it okay if I....

Feel happy?

Our little apartment...

"Stop leaving and you will arrive.
Stop searching and you will see.
Stop running away and you will be found."

— Lao Tzu

So...

I stopped at my work. It's nothing easy to do, because it is up to you so much how many you sell. 

But yeah, I was accepted to school at Tampere. It's implementer of appearence educating program. It's under one kilometer away. So I don't need even move anywhere. But I'm not forgetting my dream to travel. 

And actually I've bought tickets to London and I need to buy tickets to Brno from London in Czech soon. I am going to see my girlfriend there. First 30.7. going to London, staying there two nights with my friend and then flying to Czech alone. It's gonna be fun and I am so excited. If I remember right, school starts 13. of August. I've been thinking that after I have saw my girlfriend, I could travel somewhere else by train. Maybe to Germany, because I have always wanted to go there!

My camera is by the way still in Vantaa, so I don't have own pictures here now.

All of these are from Tumblr.

I was at work from 10 am to 3 pm. I sold three magazines.

Some photos from the yard. It's a gray and a bit rainy day. Lazy Saturday.

So I'm living at Vantaa right now. That's my room above and there's my new backpack also. It eats 55 liters, so it's quite big and enough big for traveling too! I have my cousin's old room right now and I also have a balcony.

Weather is quite nice here at least at evenings! Usually sun is shining and it's so beautiful. Apple trees are in flower and that's very pretty. I want to take some photos about them too.

My work week has started, and already I've sold already eleven magazines, so there's 30 to go till 40. In two weeks I need to sell 40 magazines, so I earn my flights and two weeks accommodation in Thailand. And this isn't so bad job either, I was surprised it isn't so annoying and hard. So I have my hopes up to Bangkok! I'm not gonna fail.

It was my last day in school yesterday. I feel little wistful and I really hope I see someday all those guys from there. I've learned and grown much from last year. My teacher was seriously the best I've ever had, and I'm happy I was there.

I got beautiful orange rose from my teacher like everyone else too. 

On Monday my work should start at 10AM. I feel little nervous that if everything go well and that would not be awful job to do. I really want to do well and be able to go Bangkok. 

I've got my passport pictures last week. I need to reserve a time for Police Station so I could leave my application for passport... And I also need to get few vaccinations. I need tetanus, polio and hepatitis A & B. And I need few insurances too... Many things to get! Lots to remember. 

But yeah, I'll update maybe after first work day or something.