4:58

Is that even possible, that after nineteen years lived by, you finally really understand something? At 5am in the morning, you finally realize something like you can change your life? After years of some kind of depression and anxiety? After you had watched hours of House M.D? Is that possible?

You take a mirror, tape and spray paint and you spray "I CAN" to that? Is that normal?

I have that black spay on my finger nails.

I feel more alive than in... ages. And I don't know why.

I think I shouldn't be this happy about some kind of a moment that I maybe might forgot in days. But I kinda am.

I have cold shivers on my skin.


I'm going to London day after tomorrow. And then to Czech Republic. Then Poland, maybe. 13' of August my school suppose to be starting.
I don't need to be that shy guy anymore. I don't need to think what people might think about me. Do I need people who doesn't like me? Or doesn't understand me at all?
I can go to the register office after my trip and change my name. Who cares? People maybe don't get me. At all. But everything settles on it's places someday, right?

I'm not going to be criminal, when I feel I can do "everything". Even that I thought should I go out and spray "Are you happy?" to someones car windshield.


I watched the Finnish morning sky. And... Everything. I saw everything very clearly. Somehow. I know I sound crazy...

But isn't it okay if I....

Feel happy?