I got a job. It's very easy and it doesn't take much of my time, but I get paid well enough. I am personal assistant.

I hope I can save some money, so I can go back to Czech some day...

I would say my life is still a bit messy. I am not so sure am I doing the right thing now. Cause I feel I disappoint my parents and people again. Even that I know that school anguishes me.

I wanted to star yoga, but they were full already and I really don't have much money to pay one hundred for one month of yoga or something...

You need to go to that school. It's just three years, then you can do whatever you want. You need to go, or you'll not have any money or apartment. You need to go. School. Three years. Go go go. Now.

I am so sick and tired.

From autumn 2009 I'd tried to start some school and graduate from somewhere. Two vocational schools I've suspend. One paid school I failed. One preparing school. Always lots of absences. I've always just failed with schools. And I hate failing. I always just let everyone down. Betray everyone.

But I don't want to. I'm so sick and tired with schools. Always saying "of course I will", but always failing. I've already wasted three years. I just don't want to do this anymore. I wanna end this. I wanna stop going to school and really do something. But from Finland, it's almost impossible get any job. So what I could do then? I don't know! I really don't know.

I don't have motivation to go school. And I just can't force myself! I can't do what I don't wanna do. But I don't wanna fail. I just don't know what to do with this! If I just could do even one year something I really want, maybe I could find some passion and motivation to go school again. Maybe I could find something that really interests me!

I'm just lying to myself and others when I do this. I don't wanna do this anymore.

[ I´m... not kinda sure if it is really good idea to continue that school
it seems to be killing you every day
and I can feel it by myself
I sense the dropping of your mood every day since you started the school... ]

4:58

Is that even possible, that after nineteen years lived by, you finally really understand something? At 5am in the morning, you finally realize something like you can change your life? After years of some kind of depression and anxiety? After you had watched hours of House M.D? Is that possible?

You take a mirror, tape and spray paint and you spray "I CAN" to that? Is that normal?

I have that black spay on my finger nails.

I feel more alive than in... ages. And I don't know why.

I think I shouldn't be this happy about some kind of a moment that I maybe might forgot in days. But I kinda am.

I have cold shivers on my skin.


I'm going to London day after tomorrow. And then to Czech Republic. Then Poland, maybe. 13' of August my school suppose to be starting.
I don't need to be that shy guy anymore. I don't need to think what people might think about me. Do I need people who doesn't like me? Or doesn't understand me at all?
I can go to the register office after my trip and change my name. Who cares? People maybe don't get me. At all. But everything settles on it's places someday, right?

I'm not going to be criminal, when I feel I can do "everything". Even that I thought should I go out and spray "Are you happy?" to someones car windshield.


I watched the Finnish morning sky. And... Everything. I saw everything very clearly. Somehow. I know I sound crazy...

But isn't it okay if I....

Feel happy?

So...

I stopped at my work. It's nothing easy to do, because it is up to you so much how many you sell. 

But yeah, I was accepted to school at Tampere. It's implementer of appearence educating program. It's under one kilometer away. So I don't need even move anywhere. But I'm not forgetting my dream to travel. 

And actually I've bought tickets to London and I need to buy tickets to Brno from London in Czech soon. I am going to see my girlfriend there. First 30.7. going to London, staying there two nights with my friend and then flying to Czech alone. It's gonna be fun and I am so excited. If I remember right, school starts 13. of August. I've been thinking that after I have saw my girlfriend, I could travel somewhere else by train. Maybe to Germany, because I have always wanted to go there!

My camera is by the way still in Vantaa, so I don't have own pictures here now.

All of these are from Tumblr.

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up

via  http://bangkoking.blogspot.com

via  http://bangkoking.blogspot.com

It feels stupid do the First post of blog. But I guess it's necessary if I want to start write a blog. 

So, I introduce myself. I'm born in 18 of June, 1993. At the moment it makes 18 years, but I have birthday less than a month now. Gemini is my horoscope. I have born to be a girl, but past few (~4) years I've been thinking and trying to find myself more, so this day I could say that I am queer/androgynous. But I feel I'm more guy than a girl. That's enough about it now, but this is my blog so I guess I'm going to talk about it sometimes. But here I call myself Jooa.

My current, formative school ends in two weeks. I've put some applications to some schools, but at this moment school isn't my first opinion. 

I got a telemarketing job from Helsinki, that I'm going to do in June and July. If that goes well, I'm able to continue my work in Bangkok, Thailand. That's my target now. Bangkok. I've never been in there. I've only traveled to Sweden, Estonia, Latvia, Poland and UK. 

It's my dream - travel the world. Asian cultures inspires me a lot. Buddhism and other Asian religions too. 

I'll update next when I've heard something from my employer.