I don't know who I am anymore. Of course I know something but...

My head feels like it's going to explode soon. I am seriously sick and tired of everything. I don't wanna be here, I just want to run away and go somewhere where people don't know me.

I feel fat, disgusting, worthless, bored.
I am tired of people I know or barely know. I am always reserved.
The darkness and becoming fall/winter is already anguishing me.

And the worst thing is that I don't know what to do. I don't.

I wanna feel I can, I want, I am something. I wanna be motivated. But I don't know what I want.

I feel like crying. Like there's a big black mess in my head.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
How can I change my life?

I got a job. It's very easy and it doesn't take much of my time, but I get paid well enough. I am personal assistant.

I hope I can save some money, so I can go back to Czech some day...

I would say my life is still a bit messy. I am not so sure am I doing the right thing now. Cause I feel I disappoint my parents and people again. Even that I know that school anguishes me.

I wanted to star yoga, but they were full already and I really don't have much money to pay one hundred for one month of yoga or something...

You need to go to that school. It's just three years, then you can do whatever you want. You need to go, or you'll not have any money or apartment. You need to go. School. Three years. Go go go. Now.

I am so sick and tired.

From autumn 2009 I'd tried to start some school and graduate from somewhere. Two vocational schools I've suspend. One paid school I failed. One preparing school. Always lots of absences. I've always just failed with schools. And I hate failing. I always just let everyone down. Betray everyone.

But I don't want to. I'm so sick and tired with schools. Always saying "of course I will", but always failing. I've already wasted three years. I just don't want to do this anymore. I wanna end this. I wanna stop going to school and really do something. But from Finland, it's almost impossible get any job. So what I could do then? I don't know! I really don't know.

I don't have motivation to go school. And I just can't force myself! I can't do what I don't wanna do. But I don't wanna fail. I just don't know what to do with this! If I just could do even one year something I really want, maybe I could find some passion and motivation to go school again. Maybe I could find something that really interests me!

I'm just lying to myself and others when I do this. I don't wanna do this anymore.

[ I´m... not kinda sure if it is really good idea to continue that school
it seems to be killing you every day
and I can feel it by myself
I sense the dropping of your mood every day since you started the school... ]

I am finally, officially Jamie Joshua.

It makes me kinda pleased in this situation. I started new school, though I've been sick for these three days. But I guess I'm going tomorrow.

But I miss M so much. I just want her here. She makes me so happy, you have no idea. I can be happy with her, she makes me feel complete... She's my soulmate. I feel so comfortable with her.

 

I really, really loved this city.

The architecture, colors, parks... I just fell in love with it. So relaxed, beautiful Brno. People weren't hurrying all the time. I just felt so nice there. Mostly because of M too. I just fell in love with her even more.

Now back in Finland everything is so cold and grey. There is just +12, in Brno there was still +25 when I left! I just really realized how short Finnish summer is. I just wanna go back. I feel so shiftless! I have no energy at all, everything feels so... boring.


I just wanna see the world... Be with M and experience something real.

4:58

Is that even possible, that after nineteen years lived by, you finally really understand something? At 5am in the morning, you finally realize something like you can change your life? After years of some kind of depression and anxiety? After you had watched hours of House M.D? Is that possible?

You take a mirror, tape and spray paint and you spray "I CAN" to that? Is that normal?

I have that black spay on my finger nails.

I feel more alive than in... ages. And I don't know why.

I think I shouldn't be this happy about some kind of a moment that I maybe might forgot in days. But I kinda am.

I have cold shivers on my skin.


I'm going to London day after tomorrow. And then to Czech Republic. Then Poland, maybe. 13' of August my school suppose to be starting.
I don't need to be that shy guy anymore. I don't need to think what people might think about me. Do I need people who doesn't like me? Or doesn't understand me at all?
I can go to the register office after my trip and change my name. Who cares? People maybe don't get me. At all. But everything settles on it's places someday, right?

I'm not going to be criminal, when I feel I can do "everything". Even that I thought should I go out and spray "Are you happy?" to someones car windshield.


I watched the Finnish morning sky. And... Everything. I saw everything very clearly. Somehow. I know I sound crazy...

But isn't it okay if I....

Feel happy?